Reminder: It is The Second Day of 2010


Ok... I feel like being doped straight down to the bitter bitch. Made worse by being overly jealous of someone who have a macho dog and worse still I don't even know that person in reality. Listening to Coldplay... that's like feeding lemon to lime. I was so hyper just a few hours ago and now it feels like the dark cloud floated above my puny head and give me a good shower and zapped my brain.

I skipped from being commercial happy that it's a New Year to check-in to Hotel Emo. Phew... It's the New Calendar that resides on my right with a picture of a hot car in gold, the cause. It is the fact that it is January 2010, to be precise the 2nd of January 2010. Oh damn, I only have two more years to live. Ok, I was joking on that one. Chatting with my besties I shouldn't be in emo-ville but I am. Mood swings and hormones. Whoever said being a woman or the fairer sex is easy? Freaking chauvinists. It takes a lot of effort to be a woman!

I just realised that I didn't have a "Resolution List" this year. I stopped planning my life in details like I used to. I would've drafted a 2-year plan knowing me but this time around I didn't. When people asked me the most dreaded question of year 2009/2010, "What are you going to do after this?" I smiled unwillingly, as a duty of mannerism and said, "I don't know". Those close to me have this look on their faces going, "For real? The planning freak didn't plan?" Thing is I have been planning my life for, forever and seeing as how most of it screwed up, I guess this time I'd sit back and enjoy the breeze wherever the wind brings my sail.

I mean what's the point of planning when more than 60% of it just go otherwise and some just slip in, out of no where and when you least expects it. In a snap of your fingers, your life change and diverge from the picture you've been painting and still painting. Life paints itself. I've learned that with so many paintings in hand. Not forgetting the ever growing white canvas that feels like a birthday gift, you know each year you get some extension on the canvas. As if telling you, "Don't paint over your previous ones, start fresh". Or so I thought. Thing is the canvas didn't grow, I was the maniac who thought I've filled my canvas with the intense concentration of what I want to see and the intensive detailing I've put myself to focus on the square that I can control, so I thought. I fail to shift my sight to the ever wide canvas that was laid in front of me. I'm just a human, ordinary and flawed. I get obsessed with what I thought I can control until the paint drips onto the painting, unexpectedly of course. Only then I realized that I've been caging myself in this square and have neglected the unoccupied ones. So yeah, I lived in this tiny square of legacy.

The drip made my painting flawed, in my eyes. It is a package that comes with the OCD installed in me. The least I can do is make this drip less obvious by compromising. That is, creating a new image and paint it until another drip comes by. It is a cyclical process. To be honest, I am tired of running in circles chasing my own shadow and trying to paint it, again failing to understand that it doesn't work that way. I see myself not in the mirror but in that shadow I've been chasing. But shadows are dark, a reflective of what you are doing. How can I find myself there, who am I kidding? Me. So that is why I can never see myself and I dig deeper in the ground over my shadow, got confused and I only see emptiness. So the chase to perfection runs itself like a rally that never ends.

Chasing myself in that crazy loop eats my energy, made me ignorant, and made me a harsh bag to myself. It's chasing a carrot, and yeah that made me feel like a donkey. I've always lived in this crazy OCD planning and chase for a long time, all I know is to cope with the detours and compromise the weather change. In fact it drains me when things don't come along smooth sailing, I'd get depresso, treat myself like garbage, give myself a double dose of harsh, self punishment was as natural as breathing.

2009, thank you for putting me through a railway of nails and blades in my painting. If not for that, I'd still be that big ignorant fool. Who believes in her square, who chases her own shadow. It taught me to lower my ego and to have faith in myself and in others. To believe that I need others too and that I am not good with being self-sufficient. That was one of the bad episode of my life but like all the bad episodes, I learn and progress from it. Like all bad episodes, it prepared me for a good ending. I fell hard, wounded, and was mentally injured. The incident doesn't matter anymore but what did is the time spent on healing and recovering. 'cause those are the times when I look at the world with ego almost out of sight. The world amazes you when you are looking at it from the bottom.

So 2010, this is what I'll do, I will let you take me wherever and I am only going to plan things that is concrete and not by any means construct concrete. To the coming 363 days, I have no idea what is coming but I am glad that I'm not in it alone. The probabilities that I'd fall back into that stupid person I was are there but I'm not planning on how to exterminate that 'Personality A' of mine 'cause I still have some of it in me. So no Plan A or Plan B in mind. Though I can foresee that there are certain tough beef out there for me to chew, I'll just sit back and chill until it hit me. Just me and the wind.

I realise that the no resolution list is somewhat untrue in a definitive way, but hey don't take things in that literal fashion.

Mel,
The ex-convict of planner-holic.

It's Bumming Time


After a crazy time battling semester 5, finally it's over. Now I'm given the freedom to think and express! That's what I enjoy the most during the semester breaks, I find it peaceful and productive. Yes, even if it is sitting in front of Breandan, Etsying the whole day. I get inspired when I look at beautiful things, and getting my hands dirty with paint spells awesomeness.

Now that some things in my life has changed and the people in my life are connected in different ways, I'm glad for the changes. It is not an easy thing to handle but we're learning and going through it together. It is hard but I believe that we can pull through. If we could all these times, we definitely can for this particular time.

I don't know how life would be in 5 years, but I know that I am living this moment and that 5 years still have that space for planning but plans don't always work unless there is action in it. Living this moment for the future!


Mel.

bLack Coffee


The alluring smell of a hot cup of coffee... Mmm... So powerful and assuring.


Of love and coffee... Both relate well. The commercial coffee-love in movies, boy goes to Starbucks orders a take away combo-ed with the cute barista's number... Bumped into each other a few blocks away and find that they both have some common interests... falls in love, classic conflicts occurs, married. End of story. 


That's not my point here. Its not about the movies, though life and movies are converging in this media dominated generation. Drama is happening in reality and you don't even need to pay to watch them. Just conveniently turn your head and look around.


So, this love and coffee thing... It sprung up while I had my caffeine. I love black coffee despite hating bitter tasting food. The bitterness in black coffee has a unique and acquired taste that my palate favours. In fact the bitterness tastes sweet to me in some queer-absurd condition and it got me addicted, leaving me wanting more.


Like love, I believe it has its bitter-sweet elements. Of course the unique and acquired, blend in like that of water and caffeine to make it awhole. Observations of the love birds and people in love around me, made me see it this way.


The in-love... they might hate bitter food but when it comes to the coffee, they'd take it in and savour it. It has an unexplained sweetness to it and the addiction? Terrifying. They keep coming back for more despite that bitterness. The palate craves for it in a very strange way and like caffeine, it gives you that tingle in your heart as well as the extraordinary memory of its lingering after-taste.


Like black coffee, we might not like bitterness but in a certain bitterness; it is sweet. To black coffee!


Signed,
Lover of black coffee

Beneath The Suit


The Earth is like a stage. Life is the title of the 'play'. We are the actors and actresses. The only major difference is that we don't know the script and there is no second take or rehearsals in this play.

Its a masquerade. What's real on this stage? The physiques? The costumes? or The props?

All of them are but what's not entirely real? The character in its role-play.

Once the make up and costumes are shredded... There is nothing but you, the mirror and an empty room with nakedness... That is real.

No one can be as real as when they are with themself but that, is not entirely true... Sometimes when the acting sinks deep into one's soul, it becomes a kind of nature... Discreetly known as sedating...

What is there under this suit of epidermis?

Something that only its owner know of.

The Best Stranger


Strangers... Exactly who are they? Random people we don't know that comes and goes around us. To them, we are strangers as well. We walk into so many people day in and day out, but what we didn't walk into, are their lives. Most of the people we see, we see by the surface; look, smile, walk away. Ok, maybe a little bit of speaking... but that's all. We only go into details with the people we are close to and in these days, the psychologists, counsellors and therapists?


The trends has changed. The fashion is today. People? They change, they live in today's world. Nowadays, many people's best friend are bought. The mental health practitioners, the drugs, the bars, the tv, the internet... It goes on. That doesn't make everyone's though, 'cause there are still people who befriend other people and have bffs - that's best friends forever(s) that are genuinely not generated from cash. Those are becoming extinct.


There can be trends, fashion, hypes and all of that momentary 'excitement' but there are some that would go into the 'evergreen' lane. The 'evergreen' that's in my mind right now, its not that 'green' after all. One of the many 'hit' quotes are the ones that say 'you know yourself best', I think that's a fashion that has been falling out a lot in this trendy world. It has always been there but I cannot verify if its popularity is getting bigger or otherwise.


What I know is that people seem to think that they know what they are doing but most of the time they are all tail chasing. Hoping to grab what they see and running for it in circles... in the end its not even what they wanted because to begin with, they are wearing a suit that's not made for them. Today I am one of them. I chase my own tail hoping to get a view of what is inside and I keep losing out. There are so many other me(s) outside of this physique that knows me better than the me. Looking inside and trying to find me is a lot of work and complication. I got blocked by some cold butter from breakfast, knocked down by some adrenaline from running after the bus and in the end of the day when my system calls for a shut, me sits at the corner where me started and still wonder.


The best stranger? Me.

It's All in That Fist of Mine!


For the past months... Things got harder, issues got bigger, emotions went harsher... In all of that, I came down with myself and started a domestic inquiry on myself.

Questions:

1. What do you have?
2. Who are you?
3. Who do you want to be?

Those three, really short stuff but it occupies your mind for the longest time ever. I could answer them all but really, could I answer them?


I wouldn't say I did, but I have a draft of it not an answer sheet of it. There are more editing, spellchecks, grammar checks and what-so-ever checks that's needed to be done.


So many twigs come out from those roots... I don't even know for sure where these twigs are leading me to, which direction is it growing towards, and whether it will flower in the end... I just know that there are three branches and a trunk that will hold me up through the process... As for whether it'll flower or not, I know for sure that it will be there somewhere, big or small, tall or short, it will be there...


The three answer that wouldn't change are;
1. All I have is my heart which is the size of my fist.
2. Who I am is what my heart is.
3. I want to be what my heart desires me to be.

I'm not so big after all, for all I really have is only one thing, my heart which is just a fistful. After all, I'm only human.

If I only have a fistful, I should take really good care of it, protect it and treasure it.

Just to add a gist of cheese to it;

"If I am willing to give you my heart, do you know how much that means?"

xoxo,
me

Gravity


Phew! I'm not floating in space. That's gravity, it keeps you grounded. Well, the good side of it at least.

Grounded? I am, physically. Mentally? Pretty much, just ignore the wilder-insane corner of my mind. Other than that, I'd say that I am more grounded than most of them.

Gravity is good for nature... Won't want flying cows and horses do we? Not for me. Just that too much of it can be disastrous. I guess when you are favoured by gravity, it isn't much of a favour. Too much gravity vacuums you to the ground having that quicksand-ish plot. The difference is; quicksand as its name suggests, acts quickly and barely allow you to fight, it swallows you like a hungry Python. Gravity is more playful, it pulls you down but not without some game of tug-of-war; the more you pull away, the more it pulls you. It gives you some fighting and chances? Whatever the result is you're still going to lose. The measurement here lies in the degree of your loss. How far will you be pulled?

Gravity, gravity... So much effort is needed for detachment but it is not made possible unless we go out of Earth, to space, a place where gravity is non-existent. As long as we are on Earth, we are all Gravity's little plaything.

Gravity... keeps you grounded...

Faith


The dictionary said;

trust in somebody's ability or knowledge; trust that somebody or something will do what has been promised

Faith... how it all came to me and how it got a stronger hold in me through a sentence or two. How God work in miraculous ways and plans everything so precisely that it shall fall and slip into the gaps of our thoughts.... Finally, the way it convinces you. The creator, upstairs above us is really good at putting people at awe. No wonder, 'The AWEsome God'.


Just as I was sinking in the realm of doubts, sitting on the island of uncertainties and wallowing in what-you-would-usually call insecurity, He made me aware that I am not alone. I boarded the ship of insecurity alone, my thoughts... I failed to notice that I have boarded and checked into a room in the ship. All these while, I was looking at the sea through a window and it felt like I was in the ship alone.


I guess it is a mistake everyone make in life, its belittling to call it a mistake, a lesson it is. Feeling that my friends are in other ships and how they are sailing away... As the thoughts reside in my mind, the views in my window looked different. Suddenly the sea looked rougher, darker, more mysterious... The sky seems suspicious, then I began developing this air of awareness around me. Every step, every move and every breath is noted down. I feel choked, claustrophobic, and faint. Everything looked spinny and swirly... I am helpless.


It rang but I am too dizzy to notice. So it rang and rang and rang... The bubble of delusion finally burst, I stepped out and I realised that all of them are on board with me just in different rooms. Different windows, different decks, different views... But the same ship.


Faith... there's where it cuts in... Like a surgery knife opening the valves in your heart clearing the clogged vessels, allowing fresh oxidised blood to rush in... Resuscitating the colour of the lips... Faith... that's how it came...


Just in a different physique... the feeling? Same... or maybe greater.


Faith,
I wonder if you have a gender, a reason, or an attitude?
I don't know really...
But what I do know is that you are intangible but intact.


Faith,
You are to me, this sense of trust, hope, and belief that has no substantial prove over a matter.
You are purely something that;
those who can't see call blind,
those who can't hear call deaf,
those who can't speak call mute...
Physically dead but spiritually alive
Because;
I cannot see, hear or speak of you...
As if crippled or dead...
But you are very much alive in me...


Faith... that's what you are to this rebel child.

U-turns


U(you) turn, does it get you to where you were? My answer would be definite and its a NO. It doesn't get you to where you were. It get you to the opposite direction of where you were... But it does not bring you to where you were because opposite does not equate to same.

Some people tries hard to go back to where they begin, making numerous of U-turns, going through the same routes, stopping at the same traffic lights, listening to the same old CD but they fail to realise or rather they chose to stay in denial that they are travelling at the opposite direction. The bystander at the bus stop, the random cyclist, the birds... are not the ones there before. Season changes, plants wither... the driver is not the same person like before. Everything has changed, the Earth spins, though very slowly, it spins. Like the Earth, little changes are changes though little...

So why does these people insist to live in such denials? Mostly to do right what they have done wrong. To compensate what they had previously abused.

Bear in mind that life is not static... is not motionless...is not constant...

Somethings can only be done once and once only.

Fitting In


As I grow, in terms of age, I become more and more aware about this translucent classification of the society. The groupings, barriers and factors that allow one to be automatically or even superficially subscribed into what used to be social class has now, expanded itself into social genre.


Does this world really need to be so systematic and specific in everything that the living needs to be classified according to finer clusters? You already have animals, plants, and human. Then you have Asians, Europeans, Middle-Easterns and so on... What OCD this world is in? Being utterly unreasonable in keeping everything spick and span. As if it is not enough that those groupings have detailed sub-categories, they need to fertilise and further grow the branches. The world seems to have an acquired taste for details. I don't see the necessity in it and think that it is rather discriminatory as I don't fit in any of those "social genre", perhaps there's one that would fit me perfectly well, "the social outcast".


I really don't fit in any of those social genre and have been living a life that stays as "the social outcast", never belonged nor belong to any of those groups and was never really accepted into a particular what-they-would-call "community". I'd say it's pretty disappointing to live like a nomad in this world, never belong to any of them. Oh frustration, frustration.... I miss out on 'feeling of belonging' and the support of a community.


I do feel left out whenever people cluster and form this clique within themselves like amoebas' conference with a thin wall built merely on 'superficiality' and 'reality'. The rules to be in the circle? Sign up and be a member with fitting requirements. So either you are really like that or just fake to be one. The deal? Your choice, you choose.


Self consolation: Being an Outcast and a Minority is Awesome! WE THE ODDBALLS ARE COOL! WE ARE WHO WE ARE. WE DON'T FIT OURSELVES INTO SOCIAL MOULDS.